How to Kiss Ass
Asskissing 101
First and foremost, it’s important that you pucker up and aim for the lips of the ass. Cheeks are acceptable; but for a high-class ass like this one, aim higher. Literally. And figuratively.
To help those of you who have never kissed an ass before: bless your souls. Here’s a step-by-step guide. Even rookie ass kissers have a shot at greatness.
Step 1:
Approach the ass slowly.
Sudden movements may startle the ass. And no one wants an accidental kick to the ego. Don’t ever try to kiss an ass without announcing yourself first.
Step 2:
Compliment the ass.
Something like, “Wow, what a symmetrical ass you are.” or “I’ve always wanted to kiss an ass as beautiful as you.”
Make sure you are calm and confident. An ass can smell desperation.
Step 3:
Offer a gift.
Asses love offerings. Cucumbers, carrots, and unsolicited praise are all acceptable currencies. Just be gentle. Do not force these objects into the ass; it’s rude and alarming.
Step 4:
Commence puckering.
This is your moment. Precision is key. Think of it like kissing your grandma. You don’t ever want to be too intimate with the ass, that can make it snap. Not to mention, it’s very strange. Be considerate and respectful, the ass deserves it.
Step 5:
Leave with grace.
Once the kiss is done, respectfully back away and do so slowly. Do not, under any circumstance jump or move quickly. This may startle the ass, and when you are that close to an ass you could get kicked, or stomped on.
Done!
Congratulations, you did it!
Bow. Not for the ass, but for yourself. You’ve done it. You’ve completed Asskissing 101. Your diploma is at the bottom. Feel free to frame it, hang it, and do so with pride.
Free class, but even ramen still costs money. Consider a paid sub.
All images were created, edited, taken, or generated by the author unless stated otherwise.
Disclaimer:
Dear mods, admins, and anyone else clutching pearls:
Relax. This is a joke. No actual asses were kissed, harmed, or gifted cucumbers in the making of this post. It’s satire. Breathe. Laugh a little. Or scroll on.
I went through the steps, kissed a guy's ass in the grocery store, and got punched in the face before I saw the certificate at the end. A donkey?! Damn.
I gotta admit, I was nervous at step 3. haha.